


A Proposal

by paranoid_delusional_valkyrie



Category: British Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Bribery, Comedy, Compromise, Crack, F/M, Marriage Proposal, Villain Tom Hiddleston
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-11
Updated: 2015-12-11
Packaged: 2018-05-06 02:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5399426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paranoid_delusional_valkyrie/pseuds/paranoid_delusional_valkyrie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tom has a woman and her friends at a disadvantage, so he uses this to his advantage by making her an offer she can't refuse.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Proposal

**Author's Note:**

> I got this from all of those films where the bad guy basically bribes the girl into something, and it's so serious and dramatic, so I made this as ridiculous as possible.

Hiddleston smirked at the lone woman standing tall over the huge stack of money with a bomb strapped to her chest. He wasn't worried about the money, he knew she wouldn't blow it up. The look she had when she first saw the money was one he was familiar with, dragon sickness. Tom knew the money was safe, and if he could play his cards right, soon he'd be having his cake and eating it too.  
  
"Alright, Erin…Do you mind if I call you Erin?"  
  
She said nothing as she glared down at the man and his group of assassins that were currently holding her friends hostage.  
  
"Right then, Erin, I have a proposal to make."  
  
"…And that is?"  
  
"I promise not to shoot all of your friends if you-"  
  
"I'm gonna have to stop you right there, Hiddleston."  
  
"I haven't even finished yet."  
  
"Firstly, that's what she said, and secondly, I'm already seeing the holes you're expecting me to fall into with your poor word choice."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Oh please, 'I promise not to shoot your friends if you surrender.' And then when I do surrender you kill all of my friends in a ridiculously violent manner because you said that you wouldn't shoot them, but then go 'Well I didn't say I wouldn't kill them violently now did I?' Bro, I've seen way too many action films to fall for that one."  
  
"Fair enough, I promise not to kill your friends in any way, shape, or form--"  
  
"Not falling for it!"  
  
"Falling for what?!"  
  
"Are you kidding me? You promise not to shoot my friends, and then when I give in you shoot all but one of my friends or some shit like that. You have to wake up pretty early to fool The Honey Badger, Hiddleston."  
  
"I wouldn't do that!"  
  
"Umm, yeah you would."  
  
"I would do no such thing! Everyone, would I do that?"  
  
"Uhh, when you say 'Everyone' do you mean just your group or Erin's group as well because as someone from The Honey Badger Clan, given that we're trying to steal your money, I'd definitely say that you would pull something like that."  
  
"I wasn't talking to you uhhhhh--"  
  
"The name's Chris."  
  
"But when he's working it's Hannibal the Cannibal!"  
  
"Dammit, Erin!"  
  
"What? It's the perfect nickname for you."  
  
"Yeah, Hanni, it's better than Striker Eureka."  
  
"That name is fucking amazing, Striker. You were named after a goddamn Jaeger. Do you not understand how badass that is?"  
  
"Well at least she doesn't call you Eagle 1."  
  
"You know what, Eagle 1, as punishment for giving me shit about your nickname you will now be known as Eagle 2."  
  
"Oh thank God."  
  
"Can we focus!?"  
  
"Oh right! Where were we?"  
  
"WOULD SOMEONE FROM MY GROUP OF HIGHLY TRAINED ASSASSINS TELL ME IF I WOULD USE VAGUE VOCABULARY IN ORDER TO TRICK SOMEONE?!  
  
"Okay, when you respond like that it definitely makes me think you're going to use vague words to pull a fast one and kill us all."  
  
"Fuck this noise. Erin, my proposal is this. If you disarm your bomb, come down from that giant stack of money, and accept a marriage proposal from me, then I will let every single one of your friends/co-workers/part of your Honey Badger Clan go. As in they will be set free from my lair alive and uninjured in any way you can imagine, and be taken back to the base of your employer where they will be set free in a very much alive and uninjured manner. Does that sound reasonable to you?"  
  
"Soooo what you're saying is if I surrender and marry you, you'll let my friends go without killing or injuring them?"  
  
"Yes, that is exactly what I'm saying."  
  
"And if I decline?"  
  
"I will kill them all. Starting with Hannibal the Cannibal."  
  
"Ummmm…I don't really know you, though."  
  
"Erin, are you fucking kidding us right now?!"  
  
"Come on, guys, can you blame me for hesitating?"  
  
"YES!"  
  
"But, I don't even know him."  
  
"Erin, he'll kill us all if you don't marry him."  
  
"Slowly and painfully, I might add."  
  
"You see!"  
  
"Yeah, I know…Buuuut…"  
  
"BUT WHAT, ERIN?!"  
  
"I can't say yes to him."  
  
"Why not!?"  
  
"We haven't had sex yet."  
  
"What?"  
  
"We haven't had sex yet. And I refuse to marry anyone before I've had sex with them."  
  
"Erin, you can't be serious."  
  
"I refuse to enter any form of marital union without having sex with a potential partner. I mean what if he's bad in the sack for Christ's sake?!"  
  
"…You know, she's got a point."  
  
"Thank you, Eagle 2."  
  
"Erin, I can assure you that I am an excellent lover."  
  
"Uh huh, I'm sure that's what all of your past lovers have told you."  
  
"It's true! Ask Sasha, she'll vouch for me."  
  
"Not gonna lie, he's really good. Also, thank you for outing my sexual activities to the others, sir, it's greatly appreciated."  
  
"Oh…er sorry, Sasha. I'll give you all a raise if you all can forget what I just said."  
  
"Can do, sir!"  
  
"Perfect, now is that enough proof for you?"  
  
"But she works for you, so you could have just paid her to have sex with you and say that you're really good in bed. No offense, Sasha."  
  
"None comprehended."  
  
"Erin, if you don't marry me I'm going to kill all of your friends slowly and painfully. What other incentive do you need?"  
  
"I'd rather you torture and kill all of my friends before I marry a potentially bad lover."  
  
"ERIN!"  
  
"I'm proud of who I am."  
  
"For fuck's sake, Erin, he's gonna kill us!"  
  
"This doesn't involve you, Striker Eureka."  
  
"I THINK I'M PRETTY INVOLVED."  
  
"Alright, I have an idea."  
  
"I'm listening, Hiddleston."  
  
"What if…we have sex before we get married? And if you're not satisfied with the results you can turn down my proposal, and then sit back and watch while I proceed to maim, torture, and cut open all of your friends. Sound good?"  
  
…  
  
…  
  
…  
  
"Erin?"  
  
"Let me see your hands."  
  
"Pardon?"  
  
"Let. Me. See. Your. Hands."  
  
"Er, okay."  
  
"……Okay, Hiddleston, I'm gonna come down from this huge pile of cash because I can't see your hands that well from up here. Can you promise me that you will not trick me while I look at your hands?"  
  
"Yes, if you come down I promise not to trick, kill, or maim you in any way while you are looking at my hands."  
  
"Okay, great, I'm coming down."  
  
"Sir, now would be the perfect time to strike."  
  
"No, we can't do that. I promised her that I wouldn't."  
  
"And I understand that, sir, but right now she is letting her guard down, and allowing herself to get within close range. When she gets close enough Kowalski can shoot her right between the eyes."  
  
"We're not going to do that, and here's why: I promised her I wouldn't shoot her whilst she's looking at my hands."  
  
"Sir, you are a crime lord who has taken down all of your adversaries through backstabbing, trickery, manipulation, and maiming, yet you choose this moment to implement the honor system?"  
  
"Well, she's cute. I mean look at that angry little honey badger. Isn't she adorable? How can I trick an angry little cutie like that?"  
  
"How the hell have you stayed alive this long, sir?"  
  
"Backstabbing, trickery, manipulation, maiming, and lots of alcohol."  
  
"You are rather fond of the drink, sir."  
  
"What can I say, it keeps me young."  
  
"…Sure whatever, so are we going to shoot her when she gets down here then?"  
  
"Mac, if you ever say those words to me again, I will strap you down to a table, saw off your legs, cook them, and feed them to you."  
  
"…I'm sure you'll both make each other very happy, sir."  
  
"Thank you, Mac."  
  
"Alright, Hiddleston, put up your hands so I can get a good look at them."  
  
"Whatever you say."  
  
_Five minutes of intense hand study later…_  
  
"Alright fine, we can have sex, but you better have some form of birth control on hand."  
  
"Condoms alright with you?"  
  
"Are they ribbed?"  
  
"Of course."  
  
"Then let's do this."  
  
_One torrid sex scene later…_  
  
"So about my proposal."  
  
"Fuck my heart's about to collapse."  
  
"Erin?"  
  
"Oh god, the dream is collapsing!"  
  
"Darling?"  
  
"Huh, what?"  
  
"My proposal? Are you amenable to it?  
  
"Abso-fucking-lutely!"  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"You bet your 100% cotton turtle-neck I am."  
  
"This is cashmere."  
  
"Fuck you!"  
  
"I thought you'd never ask."  
  
"One other thing, I'm still going to keep robbing people and there's nothing you can do to stop me!"  
  
"I figured as much. Therefore, I have assembled a list of some potential 'clients' that may interest you that just so happen to be my business rivals. Consider this one of many engagement gifts that you should be expecting in the future."  
  
"Fuck, I think I love you."  
  
"Marvelous."


End file.
